Big News! My friend Doug is getting married! Congratulations Doug! His phone number is 634-5789 (ba-dum ba-dum) if anyone wants to call & pester him (or wish him congrats). He is getting married to Kate whom he had been involved with for quite awhile when he popped the question! Down-on-one-knee and the-whole-nine-yards and white doves and such. I wonder if Kate will take Doug’s last name? They’re a radical couple-a-hipsters and I sense (with my spider-sense) a bit of feminist ideology in Kate. If I were Kate (which I’m not) I would take Doug’s last name because Kate’s is funny sounding and hard to remember which is why I’ve forgotten it. It’s sure to get some snickers (not the candy bar) from the audience up at the alter. Something like Kate Oompaloompadoompitydo or something like that. Maybe it’s an anagram (is that right?) like Kate shloshenbeckcebnehsolhs. (it's an anagram, I already checked...) It would be good if she changed her name because then I wouldn’t have to remember (or forget) her difficultly-humorous name and I could just remember Doug’s last name which I’ve never forgotten (or always remember). Owen. That’s pretty easy, right? Just a couple of consonants, the easily-manageable ‘e’ and no pesky i’s to dot either! Must make signatures a breeze! One way I remember it is it’s what Jake is doin’ to me right now; he’s Owen me. And we ain’t talkin’ no petty cash neither! I’m not stupid! There’s insurance on my money! Right now it’s probally up to at least twenty-five tho!

Sorry for that.

The monkey at the typewriter is pissed at me because I won’t give him his hourly banana until he’s done with this letter. Type my letter monkey!

So anyway, if I were Kate (I already told you I’m not! Leave me alone!) I would change my last name but Kate can do whatever Kate wants and if that’s changing her last name to DaVido or Olsen or Count Chocula or just leaving it at Kalen then that suits me just fine and dandy. (like candy only with a d) No matter which way their names swing I wish Doug Owen and Kate the-Queen-of-the-Jungle or the soon-to-be Doug & Kate MisterRoboto the eng best of luck and a bright, sunshine-and-puppies future.